i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Randomize
