so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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