I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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