I just cut my nipple shaving
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I love you.
Bad choice
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
