we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
