Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
you never un-have a 4some
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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