Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
