Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
