Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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