if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
