I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
