Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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