Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
