I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
