this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You smell like stripper and shame
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
