I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
