my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
