Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
