Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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