There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
