i just sent this text using only my big toe
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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