WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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