It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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