It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
