Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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