There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
