my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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