And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
