There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
