Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize