i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
