I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
