first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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