I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
