I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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