the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
