I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
