I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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