This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
