I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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