Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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