I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
My ass is underappreciated
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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