your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
