I cannot find my penis.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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