Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
