just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I believe in your delicious
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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