I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
