all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
