No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
