If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
