Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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