I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
