You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
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