bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
