so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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