I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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