hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize