6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
