i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
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