i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
